What I’ve learned this year…

As I sit here and reflect on this past year, I’m overcome with emotion.
Not how I was at the beginning of the year, not in the same way.  I don’t feel like I need to crawl back into my hole and stay there for a while.  I do not feel the need to cry or scream or let it all out.

Instead, I feel calm.  

Despite some seemingly big uncertainties in life, I can sit in it with this deep knowing that whatever happens from all of this is how it was always supposed to happen. And yes, while that is sometimes difficult for my ‘human mind’ to understand, I’m somehow oddly okay with the idea of it all.

If I can’t grow in this space, I can’t stay.

It’s as simple as that.  I’ve decided I want to grow.  To continue to evolve and get closer to the higher self version of me.  I’ve seen her.  I know her.  

Now?  

I want to embody her.

I’m beginning to accept that if the choices I made prior to now or the commitments I said yes to before I understood the entirety of what my soul actually desired in this lifetime no longer align, I’m allowed to let them go.  I am.

I know this piece now. I’ve been practicing it.  I’ve let go of many unaligned pieces already this year.  It’s still not easy for me, I’m still working to understand it all, but I know these are steps I need to take. Honestly?  If I sit with it for too long, I will still eventually spiral. That is my brain’s natural space to go to. 
The what ifs?  
The overwhelm.  
The ‘how could I possibly even imagine this life for myself?’
The guilt.  
The feelings of being selfish. 
The idea of choosing something that doesn’t make sense to those around me.

But somehow, now, I know deep in my bones that those stories that play in my head - none of them are true.  None of them lead me to that higher version I’m meant to become.  So why would I continue to listen to them?

So loves, I sat down here today to try and write something insightful.  Something helpful.  Something encouraging.  Something you could take a piece of and carry with you into your own life.  And now that I’m writing, I don’t know if I can do that.

Sure, I can tell you to follow your heart.
To speak your truth.
To learn who the most aligned version of yourself is and chase that vision with an unwavering strength.

I could tell you to do all of that.  Because that’s what I’ve been doing this entire past year.  
With a ferocity that I didn’t know I had.
With a strength I didn’t know was in me.

I unpacked so much shit this year.  And while, maybe that’s not the most beautiful term to use, that’s what it felt like.
This heavy, dark, dense, utter garbage inside of me that was weighing me down so heavily. Things I didn’t even realize were there; pieces that stuck over time and changed who I was without my knowing.

Letting go of those pieces?
I can’t even explain how it feels.
I feel so much lighter.
In my own human, my being, I feel free.

So I guess, yes I can tell you to do this too, but I also know it’s going to lead you on a fucking hard journey.
A path that feels scary at times.
One that, often, feels incredibly difficult to navigate.
A journey that’s going to test your strength and your character.
A path that, if you trust it, will also lead you straight to your dreams and desires.

The thing is - when you initially look down this path, there’s something standing in the way.  Something blocking it.  There’s this shadowy figure a bit ahead of you, obstructing the light you see on the other side.  As you gain courage, as you find your strength, you begin to venture closer.  Maybe still a bit afraid of what this figure could be, but also curious. 
Why is it standing in your way?  Why is it blocking the light that you’re wanting to reach?  Why, despite everything you’ve been working on, is it not budging?

As you begin to step closer, tentatively but stronger with each step, you finally begin to see it.  You can make out subtle features and distinctions and, once you’re standing there toe-to-toe, you can finally see it.

That figure is you.

You’re the one blocking the light.
You’re the one standing in the way of your own path.

This is where you begin to understand that until you finally face that shadowy version of you, you can’t go any further.
You can try to outsmart it, to avoid it, find another path, but none of that will lead you to the light.
This shadowy figure, this version of you, they’re the one who carries all of these pieces that feel way too deep and dark and heavy to actually acknowledge and deal with.  They may be the thing in the world that terrifies you the most.  They hold all of your secrets, your insecurities, your past.  However if you ever want to experience the fullest capacity of your light you have to deal with them.

You do.

If you don’t believe me that’s fine.  I was in that space once as well.  I thought I could ignore her - that shadowy version of myself.  I thought I could bypass her.  Take alternate paths.  Do different work that would take me to the light I was craving.  But, guess what?  No matter what I did, every path led me right back to that girl.

The one who was staring directly into my eyes.
The one who was begging me to finally face my shadows.
The pieces of myself that I shoved in rooms so long ago, my brain forced me to forget them.
That shadowy girl looked at me with so much pain in her eyes and I finally reached a point where I couldn’t leave her there like that any longer.
All of this avoiding and running made me see it.
All she wanted to do was release the pain she had been holding in for so fucking long.
I eventually came to the understanding that in order to feel free, in order to truly love myself the way I knew I deserved, I had to set this poor girl free.

So I faced her. 
I held her hand and walked through the darkest of rooms with her.
I sat on beds with her and hugged her and told her how incredible she was.
I let her cry in my arms.
I told her that none of this was her fault.
That she took the weight of the world on her shoulders, when it was never hers to carry.
I gave her the love she always craved, but never felt like she received.
To no one’s fault.  Her family and friends had always loved her, deeply.
But, you see, no one had ever quite seen what this girl actually needed.
Because she never allowed herself to show it.
Not the true version of herself.
She learned to hide it early, for fear that she wouldn’t be loved as herself.

So, I did what I knew she needed.
Because no one knew that better than me.
Everything that sweet girl had ever silently asked for?  I gave it to her.

And do you know what happened?
Absolute magic.

I forgave myself.
I loved myself in a way I never knew was possible.
I became the version I always wanted to be.
I learned how to use my voice.
Speak my truth.
Follow my heart.

I learned that in order to rise, I would have to face my deep dark shadows first.
I would. 
And, as it turns out, all they really needed was for me to let the light in.

So babes, I guess that’s it.
That’s my insight for you.

Whatever it is that you’ve been too afraid to face; those past, shadowy versions of you.  
All they really need is love. 
Its time you allow yourself to go there - to see them with the eyes you have now. With a heart that forgives a bit quicker.  A mind that knows how to have compassion and empathy for choices or situations you may not ever understand. 
Allow yourself to love yourself.  All the versions.
This is the main piece I’ve learned; your own love is what lets the light back in.
It’s you.  It has to come from you.
No one else can heal those specific pieces for you.
You have to be the one to do that.

Take this or leave it, but I do know this is a big piece of what I’m here to share.
To help those others around me who are searching for their own light but don’t quite know how to get back to it.
If this resonates with you, this is meant for you. This is how you get that light back. Through your own love.

It’s always been you.
You’re the magic.
It’s time you take that power back and step into the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be.

You’ve got this, loves. I’m rooting for you, always.

- Kels