2025: My Reflection

This has, by far, been my most immense year of growth. 
It has brought incredibly beautiful things into my life. 

And yet, I'd be lying if I didn't also admit this:
it was one of the fucking hardest years I've ever experienced. 

I went into a deep, dark hole. 
I found my way back out. 
I healed, I let go.
I learned how to sit with my emotions and actually feel them. 
I unpacked everything that did not belong to me and threw it into a, metaphorical, fire. 
I was triggered over and over again until I was finally brave enough to revisit all of my wounds and trauma.
I broke open.  
I stripped myself down to nothing and learned how to build myself back up. 
I did the shadow work, the inner child work, and the healings that I didn't even know existed. 
I asked questions, tirelessly searched for answers; many of which I still don't know the outcome to. 
I wrestled with so much guilt and grief that I thought it might break me. 
I had conversations I never imagined I would be part of. 
I came to realizations that changed the version everyone knew me as. 
I lost people and found out who was really in my corner, through it all. 
I questioned myself and my path. 
I contemplated going back to who I was before and ignoring everything my soul was asking of me. 
I spent more hours crying than I ever have in my life. 

But, also 

I learned who I was - deep down to my core. 
I learned what self love actually means and it ended up shaping my entire being. 
I found who I was and I embraced her fiercely. 
I healed the wounds I thought would stay broken forever. 
I learned none of it was ever about me. Ever. 
I understood that I had taken on far too much that never actually belonged to me. 
I became a woman that I never imagined I could be. 
I learned how to embody my own light, my voice, my power and it brought me a sense of freedom I've never experienced before. 
I learned how to speak my truth and how to ask for what I need. 
I learned that it's not selfish to take care of myself, to put myself first or to ensure my needs are met. 
I understood that I was the one responsible for my own happiness. It had to come from me first. 
I embodied self love so deeply that I realized I'm the only one who can fulfill my desires. Everyone in my life is a beautiful added bonus, but the feeling of wholeness must come from within first. 
I learned how to let go. Over and over and over again. Even when I thought I had nothing else to let go of. I did. 
I learned the true meaning of unattachment. 
I learned that no matter what I do, I cannot control the outcome of certain situations; overthinking cannot will something into existence. 
I embraced the idea that if something is meant for me, it cannot pass me by. 
I believed in magic again. 
I put full trust into the universe and the belief that I will be taken care of. 
I learned that, often, the times we feel tested are the times we're learning a valuable lesson. 
I learned that it's okay to not be okay. More than once. As many times as needed. 
I learned that the ones who cheer you on might not be the ones you expect to be standing there. Often, they're people you never expected to be standing with you. 
I learned that in choosing growth, you almost always choose change as well. Not everything can come with us when we grow; which is often both devastating and remarkable. 
I learned that nothing is as black and white as it may seem. There's so much grey. More than I ever imagined. There are a multitude of pieces that don't make sense in the black and white world. 
I learned that it's okay to question everything you have ever believed in.
I learned that I'm allowed to change. I can morph into a completely different version of myself if I feel called to.
I learned that not everything needs an explanation. No is a complete sentence. It doesn't serve me anymore is a valid reason to walk away. 
I learned that many people are unhappy with some aspect of their lives. Whether it's a career, family, unresolved trauma, friendships, relationships, parenthood, confidence...the list could go on forever. No one has it all together. Everyone is figuring something out at most moments throughout their lifetime.
I learned that the things I thought were taboo subjects are actually the things people need to talk about the most. 
I learned that relationships are really fucking hard. Especially when one person suddenly experiences a massive shift.
I learned that connection and compatibility are not the same.  They are, in fact, very different. 
I learned that it's okay to change your mind. Or your life. Whenever you need to. 
I learned that I don't need to appear as if I have it all together. The fact that I don't have it all together makes me real.
I learned that some people can't watch you change. They can't stay - that's not on you. 
I learned that stepping into your light will trigger some people. That's also not on you.

I also learned that I had to be the one to take responsibility and take all of this on. 
No one else could have ever done this for me. 
No single person could have healed me in this way. 
It required the multitude of healers and energy workers, meditations, movements, spiritual practices and trust that I leaned into. 
It required me to say yes, yes, yes to the unseen and unknown. 
It required me to, somewhat blindly, jump off a cliff with the knowing that I would be caught before I hit the ground.
It required me to heal my deep rooted fear of trust. Which is something I’ve been trying to heal my entire adult life. 

I can wholeheartedly say I trust now. 
I trust that the universe has got me. 
I trust that I'm here for reasons I don't yet fully know. 
I trust that all the really big questions I have will one day be answered - even if they don't come with the answers my ego so desperately wants. 
I trust that I'm on the right path. 
I trust that I know my alignment now, I've found it. 
I trust that I will be taken care of, in all senses, as long as I continue to take care of myself. 
I trust that I'm surrounded by the ones who are meant for me, who will guide me and help me and teach me in this human journey of life. 
I trust that, when the time comes and I need to keep growing, I'll know what to do. 
I trust that, one day, I won't be afraid of outcomes. I'll be able to leap first without fear of what’s next. 

The main piece of it all?
I've learned that you have to let yourself break before you can feel whole again. 
I know it's scary but it's true. 
Allowing yourself to break is the first step that leads you back to yourself. 
The real you.
The version that you get to envision and create based on what you want.
Not what everyone else wants.
That version of yourself?
They’re worth all the heartache and pain and healing.
Because, once you uncover that version, you’ll never go back to the old one.
You finally get to live as you, at your core.
Exactly who you want to be.
And that life?
That life is pure magic.
And guess what?
It’s waiting for you.  
Right on the other side of that massive mountain you’ve been ignoring.
So, what are you waiting for?
Are you ready now?

- Kels