The wounded self.

A big realization hit me this week: I’ve been living from my wounded masculine energy. For longer than I can even remember.

This is where a lot of my current struggles come from.
This is why I feel so disconnected from self; from who I want to be versus how I am.
I’ve realized a large portion of the life and relationships around me were created from the space of my wounded masculine energy.
In a space where I believed I was thriving in that energy.

However, this new piece of the puzzle hit me hard this week.

I actually don’t want to always be the strong one.
The one who pushes through it all with a smile on her face.
The one who takes on too much. Tries to control every situation. Has to do it all herself.
The one who insists she can take care of herself in all circumstances.
The one who doesn’t ask for help.

I don’t want to be reactive.
Or distant.
Or guarded.
I don’t want to fear being vulnerable.

I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly hustling.
Trying to do it all and never having enough hours in the day.
Constantly bouncing from one thing to the next with barely a second to breathe.
I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly chasing the next thing; the next milestone, accomplishment or goal.

That life, that energy?
That’s all the old me.
The one who was built on so many wounds.
The one who lived from a space of survival and self protection.

This is what has been shown to me.
It’s so obvious to me now, that I’m not sure how I didn’t see it before.
But that tends to be how these things unfold, doesn’t it.

What I really want is the opposite of all those things.
My soul craves to be in my divine feminine energy.
It’s a deep, primal need and, now that I know this, I can’t move forward any other way.

I need a space where I can be slow and intentional.
Where I have the freedom and capacity to be creative.
A space that enables me to nurture from a place of love instead of from a place of protection or obligation.

All this time I’ve been telling myself that I don’t need anyone to take care of me.
I can do it myself.
I’m strong. I’m capable. I’m educated. I’m resilient. I’m resourceful.

And while that’s all true, this other piece has come in so strongly that I can no longer ignore it.

I want to be taken care of.

I want to feel safe enough to know that I don’t need to be strong all the time.
I want to be able to express my storm of emotions and be surrounded by people who can root and stand tall through it all.
I want to be held, in a way I can’t fully explain, but where no words need to be exchanged. By those who know how to hold space in the ways I need it. With energy. With touch. With understanding. With an innate knowing.

You see, I have this vision of who I want to become.
Of what I want my life to look like.
Of what I want to create.
And while I feel I’ve walked so close towards this vision, I’ve also felt stuck.
Toes on the edge, not quite being able to reach what I want.

I know now, this is why.
I can’t do it living from this wounded masculine space.
If I stay in this energy, I’ll never be able to get there.
That visions needs the version of me in her sacred masculine and feminine energy.

This is me admitting it all. The puzzle piece I didn’t understand before.
Claiming it.
Knowing I don’t need to be taken care of.
But I want to be.

I want to be surrounded by those who understand and know how to take care of my soul in the way it desires.
So I can also do the same for them.

Because I believe it’s in this space - the space where we allow ourselves to fully release.
To speak our truth.
To claim that truth as our own, without fear of what it looks like to anyone else.
The space of honest, raw vulnerability.
The space of accepting and honoring “this is what I want and I won’t settle for anything less.”

It’s in this space where we are finally able to embody the version our souls came here to become.
Because we’ve claimed the truth of who we are.
Of what we want.
And we don’t settle.
We become.
With a fire in our hearts from the knowing of what is ours.
What has always been ours, but was temporarily forgotten or misplaced.

It is in this space of remembering where we come one step closer to who we were meant to be all along.

Will you listen to how your soul is calling you to live?
Or will you choose to ignore it for a little while longer?
Until, one day, it screams instead of whispers.
And the choice is no longer yours to make.

- Kels