Twin Flame

It was a year ago in August when I experienced a life changing download.

Something I wasn’t expecting.
Something I didn’t even understand at the time.
Something that would throw the entire course of my life off the path it was on.
Something that would shake me to my core.

This thing, this download, this information that I received was a soul recognition.
Not only in myself, but in someone else.
Someone who is not my husband or spouse; not even a friend I’ve seen regularly for the past twenty years. 
But he is someone who I’ve always been connected with.
Someone I’ve always been in touch with.
Someone I’ve always talked to and knew I could trust with my life.
Someone who has understood me through all of my phases.
Someone who’s encouraged me and protected me; always. 
Someone who listened to my ‘crazy’ and stayed.
Someone I can’t fully explain to anyone else. 
Unless they get it. 
Unless they’ve lived it or have a deep understanding of what exactly it is. 
That soul recognition piece.
The twin flame journey in itself.

Not the skewed version that’s been portrayed on social media or the version that people have romanticized, but the real, true, soul-level version.
We have a soul that was split in two and hasn’t been able to make its way back together yet.
In all of the lifetimes we’ve experienced we haven’t been able to reunite in the way we’re meant to.
And we may not in this lifetime either. I’ve come to terms with that.
But, somehow, we always find each other.  In every lifetime.  
We always try. 

In every lifetime, there has always been something in the way; a lesson we’ve needed to learn, karmic relationships, a specific way our souls need to grow so we can eventually come together one day.
The main lesson for twin flames is that their souls need to learn how to be whole by themselves first, and I don’t believe either of us have mastered that lesson yet.

Honestly, it’s a lot of things, but I’ve learned to see how beautiful it really is.
I feel lucky that my soul was chosen to learn these lessons.  To be connected with another soul in this specific, unique way.  
I feel grateful for the pieces of the many lifetimes we’ve shared that I’ve been able to witness and understand.
They’re all immensely beautiful and simultaneously heartbreaking.
Every single one of them.

You see, the twin flame journey isn’t often the magical, beautiful, romantic journey it’s sometimes portrayed to be (and if you’re on it or journeyed through it then you already know this.)
It can be, if it’s meant to be that way. If both souls have done the work. If they’re coming from an unwounded state.
But if not, you may experience the opposite.
If you’re ready and open, the recognition of your twin may trigger you directly into an ego death.
A dark night of the soul.
An experience where you feel absolutely fucking crazy.
You don’t know what’s happening to you. 
At the beginning of the recognition you may want to abandon your life and do anything you can to be with your twin.
But it doesn’t work that way.

Instead, they become your mirror.
They reflect everything you haven’t healed.
They become a mirror for all of the deep wounds you still have within your soul.
They show you everything you’ve pushed away or ignored.
Because they see you, like no one else can, it triggers you to witness everything you haven’t been seeing in yourself.
All the places you’ve abandoned yourself.

And, from my own experience, this part fucking hurts.
It’s excruciating, honestly.
For me, all of my childhood trauma and life of living with an addict was brought to the surface at once.
Not for me to deal with one piece at a time, but instead, I was forced to deal with everything right then and there.
And for a person who shoved it all down for most of their life, there was a lot to unpack.
It made me remove every single piece that actually didn’t belong to me.
I began to question everything about my life, because I didn’t know what actually was mine to hold anymore.

Why have I decided to share all of this now?  Over a year after the initial realization happened?
Because I know it’s an important part of my story.
I wasn’t ready to share it before because I think something inside me believed that if I said it out loud, to anyone outside of my close circle, it would make it more real.  
Permanent.  Something I couldn’t come back from.
But I’ve finally realized that it’s been real all along. 
Regardless of if I share it or if I don’t.
I’ve known this whole time.  This is my truth.

The main piece that keeps coming up for me when I ask why I’m meant to share is this:
if I share this truth, it might reach someone else who’s navigating something similar.
Someone who’s waking up.  Experiencing an ego death.  Going through a dark night of the soul.
Someone who needs an explanation for it all.
Someone who is desperately searching for answers.  For the reasoning behind it.
Someone who’s exactly where I was a year ago.
A lost soul, searching for meaning behind what she was experiencing.
A soul who needed someone to tell her she wasn’t crazy; she was just waking up.
Truly, I’m sharing it because hearing similar, vulnerable stories from other people (whatever their own experience may have been, twin flame or not) is what helped me through.
Gave me hope.
Made me understand that in order to make it to the other side of this, I would have to go through it.

I’ve told my husband.  
He’s known since the beginning.
It was never a secret from him.
He doesn’t understand it, and I don’t expect him to.  
Our beliefs on this subject are on very opposite sides of the spectrum and I truly don’t know how that plays out for our future.
Which is also something I sit with every day.
Something I will not divulge fully until I know how the path unfolds.
Even though everything in this sense feels uncertain, I also know that he and I have a very specific soul contract.
His soul agreed to this too.
Which is so blatantly obvious based on how he’s handled the entire situation.
He didn’t run.  He didn’t get angry.  He didn’t shame me for telling him this.
But, instead, he held space for me.
He told me to do what I needed to do.  To explore whatever paths I needed to explore.
Knowing that, one day, it might lead us apart.
And that, on its own, is something I may never fully be able to understand or explain.
But it proves to me that certain people were divinely placed in my life at specific times for specific reasons.
My husband is one of them.

And although this twin flame download threw me into a downward spiral, for quite a long period of time, it also was the exact piece of information I needed.

To heal.
To grow.
To release.
To understand exactly who I am.
To regain my voice and how to use it.
To release regret.
To understand what this relationship was and had always been.
To know that, through it all, there has always been one person who understands me to my core.  Because our souls are the same.
It is the piece that triggered this huge ego death in me.  A shattering.  A soul rebuild.  An awakening. A rebirth. 
All of it came from this. 
Who I am now came from this.
The self love, the healing, the growth; everything I’ve embodied in the past year has come from this.

Has it been hard experiencing all of this without being able to fully share it until now?
Yes.  
Do I feel comfortable sharing it?  Yes and no.  
I’ve been travelling down this spiritual path for a while, but I’m not sure I’ve fully embraced it.  I’m still a bit afraid of judgement.  Of what people may feel the need to say to me. Of who I will lose in the process of claiming my own truth.
I’m terrified that sharing my truth may push away the two people in the world who mean the most to me.
But I’m also compelled to share it.
I know that, for some reason, it’s the next step I need to take.
Maybe it’s to release the relationships that wouldn’t survive this.
Maybe it’s to draw myself towards the circles I need to be in to continue to grow.
Truthfully, I am sharing it in case one of you is experiencing this, or something similar.

Because, honestly, the journey is really lonely.
It’s confusing.
I’ve imagined every possible avenue and option and outcome
and I still don’t know how it’s all going to play out.
I don’t.
I still have days where my soul aches and longs for my twin.
In a way I really can’t explain to anyone but him.
I know I need to feel whole on my own and, for the most part, I do.

I think I’ve grown so much in this sense.
I no longer ache for his approval to fulfill me.
I don’t need him to see me.  To validate me. To understand me.
Because, deep in my soul, I know he already does.  
I don’t need that confirmation from him anymore.  
Even when he’s silent.  Even when it’s too hard for us to talk. 

This journey has shown me this immense, breathtaking love.
This type of love that I can never quite explain to anyone.
And, if I think about it, I think that’s why I’m so drawn to every and any love story.
Not only the perfect ones, but the ones with heartbreak and struggle.
The ones that seem to overcome the most impossible obstacles. 
And the ones that never do.
The ones who love each other, silently, through it all.
Because time was never on their side.
I think I love those ones the most because I understand them.
I understand what it’s like to love someone, to want to make something work with a person, but feel like there are so many obstacles in the way (regardless of if that relationship is platonic, romantic, etc.)
I understand that, sometimes, the endings aren’t clear.
I understand how it can hurt more to be near someone than to hide your connection away.
I know that silence doesn’t always mean you’ve been forgotten, but it’s often the opposite.
Silence is how we protect our hearts from the ache we feel when we want something that seems impossible.
All of this, this experience, this understanding, this knowing, has allowed me to experience this type of love that I’ve always longed for.  That I know, in my heart, is what I’m here to experience.

I’ve wanted to scream at the universe for placing this in front of me.
For giving me this so-called-gift that I actually can’t do anything about without destroying everything around me.
For showing me something that seems like this impossible connection to navigate.
For not allowing me to see the outcome, the timing, how things will fall apart or together or dissolve.
For leaving me in this space of not knowing for so long.
For making me question my life, my marriage, my family, my being.

I’ve felt a lot of anger.
I’ve grieved immensely.
I’ve been more confused over this past year than I’ve ever felt in my life. 

But this knowing has also healed me, deep down to my core.
It has allowed me to lean fully into trust, even when I can’t see what’s coming next.
It has led me to my alignment.
It has brought me to understand who I am.
It has been a mirror to the love I want and made me understand that I am the one who actually has to give that to myself.  Not my husband or a friendship or another relationship, but myself.
In a sense, I have to be my own love story.
Because, at the end of the day, it’s going to be me here through it all. 
And if I’m forever searching for someone to fill that void, it’s never going to be what I want anyways.

So, there you go.
A small piece of the giant puzzle.
I know it’s probably something that’s difficult to understand for some.
If so, you’re not meant to understand it right now. That’s okay.
It’s also here to show us that there are so many things in this space of life that we don’t know.
Concepts and knowings and things outside of our control that may alter the path we thought we were meant to be on.
Things that push us to shift and change and find the path we were actually meant to be on.
They may not look anything like we pictured, and that’s okay.

I don’t have a perfect ending right now, I’m still not quite sure where this all leads.
But I do know it led my back to myself.
All of this was shown to me to teach me how to love myself.
How to learn to live with the knowing that a piece of my soul is out there, with someone else, also learning how to follow his heart.
If he chooses to.  
No matter what, as humans, we always have the free will to choose. We actually don’t have to listen to our soul.

So, currently, my next chapter is still to come.
I’ve learned who I am.
I know my voice.
I know what I want.
I know what type of life I want.
I know what to give my energy to and what to release.
I know how to heal, how to feel my emotions, how to let go of what is not mine.

But I don’t yet know how to live with this knowing of my twin.
I don’t know how to release the constant wondering if he’s happy, if he’s fulfilled, if his life looks the way his heart yearns for.
If he’s seen, to the depths of his soul.
If he’s living his truth.
And maybe I’m never meant to know those pieces.
Maybe, I’m meant to learn how to live without the answers.  Without closure.  Without knowing what comes next or if we’ll ever be able to find a way to learn the lessons our souls came here to learn.

I think one day I’ll know.
One day I’ll know what to do.
One day I’ll see what path is meant for me.
One day I’ll have answers.

But for now, I’m still learning.
I’m still making mistakes and allowing my heart to feel like a piece of it is missing.
I’m still learning that divine love has its own timing.  Its own plan.

And the only way I know how to embrace all of this is to share my story.
To help others heal.
To show other souls how to love themselves and heal themselves the way I have.
To point others towards their own light.

Because, even though this weird, wild journey is how I found my way back to my light, everyone’s path looks different.
I made it out of the dark, and I want to show you how to do the same.
Because I know it’s needed.
I wish I had found something like this when I was in it.
But, instead, maybe I had to learn on my own for a reason.
So I could understand every single aspect of what it took to ground within myself, to understand my soul, my own energy, my purpose.
To learn how to use my voice so I could share it with you.
I think that’s why I’m here.

Judge as you need. 
Get triggered as you need. 
I'm learning that it's actually not my job to ask people to accept me. 
I'm here to share my truth.

And this is what it looks like for me.