I deleted my socials off my phone…

So this is it.

The start of a daily blog. For now at least.
A space to put everything that it’s my brain down on paper.
A space where I don’t need to perform or pick certain music or create captions that draw people in.
A space where no one thinks I’m trying to become a social media influencer (because I’m not. That’s the furthest thing from my truth.)
A space where I can just be myself.

Something I can put out into the world and not really know if anyone ever reads it.
Or if anyone out there even cares to read it.

Because, at the end of the day, all of this is for me anyways.
For me to see myself.  For me to process my thoughts.  For me to show myself the light that has always been within.
That’s all mine.

I often feel called to share because I know there are others out there who need this too.
People who feel lost or unsure.
Others who have forgotten their own light.
Souls who are searching for ‘what’s next’ but don’t know where to start.

Hi, I see you.  I was there too.  I get it. 
I’ve travelled a long journey of finding myself again and I also feel like I’m back in the beginning stages of this right now.

How does this version of me fit here?
What do I actually want to do?
How do I show up in my own life in a way that feels natural and free?
What rituals do I need to incorporate to support this?
What spaces am I still in where I don’t feel accepted?
What is holding me back?
Why am I blocked?

Why am I feeling so fucking blocked?

I haven’t been able to tap in often.  My channel feels small.
If I do connect for myself, I receive very little insight right now.

Simply: 
Breathe.  Ground.  Remember what calm feels like. 
People are waiting for what you have to offer.

Cool, but what if I still don’t know what that is?

I know pieces.  I know parts of it.
I know my book is coming, but I need to put it together.
I know I want to host in person circles, but I need to put those together.
I know I want to offer courses, but I need to create those and learn a different platform.

There are so many things I want to do and avenues I want to travel down, but it feels like something is stopping me:
time and a big, fat mental block. 
(I know some of you will argue the relativity of time, but it’s still a block in my mind right now.)

On my birthday, I said this was my year of creating; the year of making ONE thing every single day.
Maybe I have, and I haven’t kept track, but I don’t feel like I’ve created something every day for the past 5 weeks.  I feel like I’ve been running on a hamster wheel trying to figure out how to do all the things while being constantly pulled in 5 directions at a time and not really ever knowing where I want to be. Fully. Two feet in and present.

I’ve had a few stressful relationships and situations around me lately, which don’t help with my energy, but I’ve honestly just been feeling BLAH.  Over it all.  Stumped with how to move forward.  Angry and explosive and reactive.  I disassociate instead of being present.  I’ve found myself numbing in different ways.  Everything I moved away from has come back and it feels heavy.

I think it’s okay.  I’ve had this happen before and it’s usually just another step in my path that leads me to something bigger, better and brighter - but I have to learn to sit in the mucky parts first.

This mucky part feels different though.  It’s asking me to quiet in ways I’ve never quieted before.  To remove my public presence.  Although it’s small, I get a surprising amount of connections daily through my social media and I love it.  Everyone I’ve connected with in those spaces fill me up but, for some reason, this came through loud and clear for me today. 

Step back for a little bit.  Remove yourself for a while.  Take off the pressure of sharing and posting and replying for a fraction of time.  

This is something I’ve never done before which, I know, sounds ridiculous.  Not everyone ‘lives’ on social media.  Myself included.  However, my jobs and businesses for the last six years have been almost entirely social media based so, for me, it hasn’t been much of an option.

What’s different now?

I feel like I can leave and the ones who connect with me will still be there.  They’ll still reach out in the ways they know how.  They’ll still send energy my way.  The ones I connect with frequently mostly still know me on a personal level.  I’ll be able to focus on those connections in different ways.

I think the piece that I’m most interested to see is ‘how has this been blocking me?’

I’m currently only 8 hours in, from when I deleted the apps off my phone, but I feel a pressure released. I have less apps to check.  Less concern with what’s happening around me and more focus on what’s happening within. 
This is the first time I’ve really been able to write something longer than a few sentences in many weeks. 
I put my feet in the grass and dirt multiple times today.  I listened to how awful I was feeling and honored what I needed - which was stepping away for an unknown amount of time (maybe a few days, maybe weeks.)

I do feel like, through this, I’m learning some sort of recentering techniques - for myself first.  Something that I’m going to be meant to share eventually, but in this ‘disconnect’ there’s a reason why I’m not being called to share it until it’s done.

Maybe it’s to find a platform that suits me better than the others.  One where I can just be.  One where I don’t know who watches or when they stop or how ‘successful’ my post was.  One where I can ramble as long as I want and people can choose to continue reading or not.

If I could choose any way to show up, it would be this: with words.  Always.  
In a way that I can pour out everything as fast as my brain can think it, while also having time to think when I need to.

So, right now, I don’t know what’s next.  I don’t know what’s coming.  I don’t exactly know what this pause of sorts is for. 

But my soul asked me for it and I’ve learned to listen to her.

I still want to share bits and pieces, but in this way for now.
Maybe some photos.
Maybe some learnings.
Maybe nothing. 
Perhaps it will all just be a big ramble and space to allow my thoughts to live.

I know I’m meant to write through it all.
And getting this all out is the very first step of whatever this is going to become.

Let’s see where it leads.

- Kels